Healed or haunting. Both lives in me every waking minute of my life. With or with out love, I am the sacrifice. With every hard choice I made to keep my son safe. I’m nauseous as I feel this these words  resonating deeply within my soul in the present moment and lingering lessons from long long ago. Today I am a completely different version of myself.

It’s amazing how many different lives 

we live in one lifetime if we’re lucky(?)
I am ConStance Ly Steele. Not perfect. Real. Bold. Brave. Still here winning 

and with no apologies do I owe. 

Now I walk alone an eternity of polished cultured chaos from  my Weathering beautifully obnoxious broken heart. 

On lifes stage that I remain.

 Lessons that teach us can no longer destroy us.  
Let it be loud enough for the heaven to rejoice and for the devil to shake when my feet hit the ground  for I fear neither. 

Nothings ever saved me for no protections do I hold. Lucky ones call them parents and I call em monsters that left me on my own “Leave her hurt. We’ll just call her a liar.” You see life will go on for everyone except for me. 

I’m sorry to that girl so many versions ago, Shes be proud now that we have became the person that once upon a time we needed so. 

Wherever I land is now my home.

Paranormal Polarities that seem 

to always find me but now Im 

fearless on my battered throne.
I embody the paranormal + the peacefulness of forgiveness that my  broken heart yearned for yet no more seeks. 
For the beyond is encrypted into feasible factual realistic expectations of once an unacceptable duration.   My living hell where I was deliberately enslaved. 

Life has always been a bitch.

 Eventually, I learned that I should come to terms with the basic fact I’ve always found more peace with the ones who are already gone than the ones who are here. 

Singing the same fucking fight song.

The ones who wait to love you when you’re gone, instead of loving you while you’re alive. Proclaiming of how they adored you. Not at my funeral 

pour me a shot

 make it a double
save your words for hallmark

 and move along. 

 For having no more pain, well,

those days have never came.
A logistic.
Gone vs. Here.
Alive vs. After.
After what happened, 

after the aftermath or 

after this is all said and done.

 No apology could erase the pain
I feel every day. No one has won.

I escaped domestic abuse. My son’s father was horrid.  This is what happens with parents don’t teach their daughters any better. We Unconsciously after the bad guys for protection. Eventually  he becomes our monster  we actually conquered .All the monsters are not in your head. They are in the dark 

every night under your bed.
They’re in the shadows. 

They’re in the whispers of everybody’s quotes that wants to pay you as a victim, but  forgot you’re the fuckin goat.
I raised my son on my own. 

I told all those mommy-lies to protect him. It came from a good place in my heart 

that may he never feel what I had to feel.
Plot twist.DNA always wins.
“I’m not sorry I turned every moment

 of my life into devotion for my only child.  Totally disgusted he holds his vicious father victorious and like I’m not even alive. 

It’s all about ones own version of love’s expectations that will save us or bury us.

No love last forever and I mean no love.
Even when people die. The pain doesn’t.
I turned into everything positive 

that I possibly could.
I had two choices 

and I chose alchemy.
Yet now we’re estranged 

and it’s all my fault —

 in his delusioned eyes.

When his father passed away.

 My son saw a picture online. 

The athletic Bank robber was seized. Somebody came to collect. 

He never made it through the night. 

“He didn’t look sick!”

 My son Angrily proclaimed! 

They always said that the 

goddamn devil would be gorgeous. 

No truer words are spoken .
A notorious Bank robber and hitman 

Fast Eddie ruthless style kind of dude. 

My son feels to follow his footsteps.

 How could that be?
I unknowingly realized that I gave up 

all my pretty years and for what would

 later condemn me unjustly and still, I rise. 

His father always said to me 143. I love you. He gave it to me in golden ambulates. Adored like a queen wrapped in gold 

which would be ripped off whenever 

he got a real bad Jones. Often.

“He had demons.”they say. And that was the excused for turning their head away 

while all my promise was beaten out of me.

This August 30 after a deep meditation as  all the lights in my studio flickered three times. A knock on the wall 333.

 I heard a Voice at the door 444 

whistle at night. 

If you learn nothing from me, 

please never answer these entities. 

I knew as three flickers of the lights did arrive.  I fully understood that was meant for me. He came crawling through the ethers. Either way to say he loved me,

 or to beat my ass. I never knew which. 

I was Absolutely fully prepared to battle 

an entity I couldn’t physically see. 

This On my son’s birthday.  Alone, I am as the night unfolded, my lights flickered three times. Distinct. Clear. Real.
I chose to take it as love. Not fear. 

That’s the only way to conquer the dark. 

The biggest polarity of all

 is Fear vs. Love. Same signal.
2 Different choices.
I chose the light.
I seek no revenge. 

I’m nobody’s victim ever again.
I am victorious and be well advised 

not to mess with me for having two choices is the  only reason I can let it be. 

Forgiveness isn’t saying 

what happened was okay.
Forgiveness is choosing which 

polarity I live in the rest of my nights.

The real heroes aren’t the ones who got  away. The real heroes are the ones

 who were with you that stayed.
And I am still here unapologetically. 

Bold. Beautiful. Obnoxious.

 Pushing through boundaries that would kill most. To be beaten in a physical,

 leaves me no fear of death by a ghost.

I am something to behold I am beautiful, 

no matter how the story unfolds. I will forever be ConStance Ly Steele. I take no man’s name for that never shall be. 

For not one has ever loved or rescued me. That quite all right. It’s not like I have a choice.  so I am conquered in flight. Where’s my fairytale memories 

and a happy ending for me. 

 I don’t believe in love. 

I don’t believe it’s real. 

It’s something that I definitely 

 Nonever want to ever re feel.
I don’t have time for any more mistakes surviving the polarities of life 

and my own past mistakes. 

Most spirits, are much more loving than the remorseless humans that remain. 

My advice to you, my friend…

”Don’t lie to protect anybody else’s feelings ever again for someday it’ll backfire on you too….eventually.